Jim-Earl

Well, Jesus Jim-Earl Trismegistus (Jim-Jam or Jim for short) entered the Shag Palace in April (the 4th oddly enough) and he’s been eating ever since..

He likes to lick his 8 foot tail (he’s got a long one), taunt dogs (got him a spiked collar cause he says he’s a dog-killer, c’mon Jim?), and watch Discovery Channel..

So, since I’ve always anthropomorphized in the past and like to think that I’m pretty adept at it (might even go so far as claiming I’m ‘king’ at it), I’ll let you into Jim-Earl’s world for a bit..

Jim-Earl came to me today with the intention of getting me to examine his, as he calls it, 5th appendage..

I’ve suggested, nothing short of complained, that his tail is entirely too long for a domesticated feline and made mention that we lop it off and donate it to science..

When he asked what a ‘domesticated feline was..’ I knew we were headed nowhere fast in the current conversation..

So I realigned my conversational stance and asked him to explain himself in the simplest terms..

He began with a slightly abnormal request (typical for him) – ‘Do you have any books on monkeys?’

I said no..

‘All these books and none about monkeys huh?’

I said to him (like I always do) in the nicest way possible (as he tends to taunt me when I get irritated) that I was actually working, that I’m a busy man and asked if he could please ‘get to the point..’

He said ‘Well, since you and my tail don’t seem to get along and since I’ve finally formed a relationship with my tail having realized that biting it really hard hurts real bad and that maybe it’s actually part of me and not my enemy, I’d like to keep my tail. I want to teach my tail some tricks like lassoing and maybe use it as a whip for destroying more of your house and such. Well, yesterday when you were watching that animal channel I noticed monkeys. Yeah, monkeys! And they could use their tails to swing from trees and shit. So I want to learn how to brachiate and shit.. Like maybe from your ceiling fan or lamp..’

It was here that I was forced to tell him that the expletives weren’t appreciated especially while biting my legs and feet..

Anyway, I promised I’d get him some books on monkeys so he’d go away..

In parting, he even had the nerve to criticize me for taking anthropomorphism to new levels and that I must feel pretty stupid explaining to my human family and friends how smart he is and all the things he’s interested in doing.. He came to this conclusion after I’d explained to him what a ‘domesticated feline’ is.. What was even more frustrating was the fact that as he was demeaning me with these comments he was taking his paw and hitting the side of his head sayin ‘always thinking. Always thinking..’

There was nothing to say to it, obviously, considering, he’d hypocritically reminded me as he was headed for his box, that I’d promised him a blogspot a couple weeks ago and he hasn’t forgotten about it..

I thought about arguing the fact that we just concluded that he was a cat and that there’s no way he’d be able to blog, but thought better of it, as he’d just get me involved in another one of his purposeful tautological quandaries.

Hence, Jim-Earl..

He’s a good little guy, when he’s asleep..